I just want two things:
• graduate high school
• to be noticed by someone that’s not miles away.
I just want to be fucking free.
I want to graduate high school.
I want to get the hell out of my mom’s house.
I want to drive away from this fucking town.
I want to get away from these damn people.
I want to be happy.
I want to be satisfied.
I want to live.
I need to be free before I kill myself.
I just want to grab my best friend’s face and tell him how much he is loved and how much everyone liked him before he ever liked her! And how his feelings for her aren’t worth all of this. I just want to hold him and make him feel better. He needs to smile and laugh; a real smile and a real laugh! Not that crap that he does just to look happy but the real thing. I want him to stop following her around and to stop worrying about her and enjoy his life. I want the guy I was friends with before I ever introduced him to her back. I want my buddy back.
Kind of funny.
When I was younger we lived in kind of a secluded island (only one road on and off of Tybee). So for eleven years I went crazy and copied what all the older kids did. Whether it was cigarettes, alcohol, or anything else I could get my hands on. But now, I could really careless; I pretty much got it all out of my system.
So a lot of the time I end up acting like the parent in the situation. And I find it kind of funny/annoying sometimes because the roles are switched between myself and my Mom. She’s 53 and thinks its a good idea to get drunk on a Wednesday; so I get to tell her all the reasons why it was a bad idea. It’s weird how my generation is often stuck taking care of our parents instead of the other way around.
Today has been so rough. Walking down the halls knowing he could be 21; in collage, living life. For me it’s unfair that I get to grow older and live my life when he never got too. It’s been 6 years, but I still love you with all my heart. R.I.P Edward J. Thomson 2/20/92-4/16/07
I know none of you actually care but;
I really just want to shoot something and I need a fucking cigarette. And blow up this goddamned school. Oh and for the finishing touches slap my mom in her fucking face, then leave and never come back.
(I really need a fucking cigarette)
Now that I’ve really sat here and things have spiraled downward I’ve realized that I’m scared and freaking because my room hasn’t been this empty and quiet in a while. And the last time it was this quiet things didn’t go very well. I need my cats to bring me away from myself. I need something to make me be happy and loving.
I know this might sound really dumb but I’m seriously freaking out. My mom built this cage thing and shoved all my cats in it. They have never really been outside and now they’re sleeping in a cage in the dirt and its like 47 degrees outside. And she won’t let me bring it the runt in who’s shaking like crazy! I can handle this kind of stuff! I can hear them crying! And I’m fucking sick! Thanks mom.
I used to cry myself to sleep when my dad treated me this way; but now I just suck it up.
Then I cuss him out and get over it, because the only one that really cared is dead and crying over his shit means he won.
(I forgot to post this earlier) My ballet instructor called me early this morning telling me that I won’t be participating in the days class but helping her teach the younger classes to see what I remember :) it was really fun! It felt really good to dance again!!!! Though I’m really rusty, I need a lot of practice!
